This is a pretty candid post and actually a little emotional to write. However, I think it needs to be said. There are so many blogs out there today that seem so cookie cutter and fake to me. Although I strive for excellence within my family, it would be a lie to say that things were amazing in the beginning of becoming a family of 3. That being said, my disclaimer is that I love us; as Mom, Dad and Brad and wouldn't have it any other way.
When we got married in 2009, we {I} wanted to start a family right away. We had already suffered one miscarriage and I think we were trying to compensate for that grief. We were also on that cloud 9 as happily married newlyweds and having a baby just seemed like the "right" thing for us to do. However, plans don't also work out the way you think they should. Two miscarriages later (3 all together), we were 3 years into our marriage..and no baby. That's not to say that in those 3 years we just sulked in infertility. We went on vacations, date nights, both of us went back to school and just really enjoyed eachother. Things weren't always perfect, but like I've said before..our love for eachother remained constant.
At our first baby appt at the fertility clinic April 2012
We were in a really good spot during my pregnancy with Bradley. We were on that cloud 9 feeling again. We were pregnant..and it was actually lasting! Our goal of becoming parents was finally happening and we were proud. Some of my favorite past times of my pregnancy are of us going shopping for Bradley and putting together his nursery.
I remember after Bradley was born this immediate sense of love. Seriously, a love that makes you feel like your heart could burst. A love that makes you want to shout from roof tops..and be that annoying person on facebook professing how much you love your life. I think we've all felt that a time or two.
When Jordan went back to work after Bradley was born is when things turned a little touchy. Granted, postpartum hormones are freaking crazy as it is..throw in a husband working third shift full time, going to school full time, and a beautiful baby that loved to fight sleep. I was a new mom who was still learning the ropes and I over analyzed everything (that is just my personality). I started to feel resentment towards Jordan for working/going to school as crazy as that sounds. I wasn't on a schedule with my baby as I hoped..I wasn't sleeping at night, going a day or so without showering, not putting on makeup or regular clothes. I just didn't feel like I had it all together like I thought I would. I was alone most of the day because with Jordan working 3rd shift, he'd be asleep during the day. There were times when I would just look at my phone wishing someone would text me!
I wanted to be the best mom in the world. I had wanted to be a mom for so bad, so long that I had tremendous guilt for missing my "old life." I know now that I had postpartum depression, as much as I said I didn't and that I was fine.
Things between me and Jordan had been pretty rocky the first month of Bradley's life. We pretty much glared at eachother all the time instead of having that warm, fuzzy feeling that I just knew for sure we would have. I felt such a wide spread of emotions; overwhelming love, guilt, apprehension, lonliness, etc and I didn't feel that Jordan was there for ME, as selfish as that sounds. Sometimes I couldn't even explain my feelings to him because they were all over the place. I tend to hold things in..I want to always look "put together" and "in control." Our communication was lacking. I know now that we were both under a lot of pressure in the transition. We said things we didn't mean, ignored eachother and focused solely on Bradley. All things you should NOT do!
Even nearly 5 months into parenthood, we still have to consciously put forth effort into our marriage. We have to remind eachother that even though Bradley is the center of our world, we need to make time for US too. I remember when Jordan's aunt offered to watch Bradley for an evening so we could go on a "date night." At first I wasn't so sure..my baby was probably only 8 weeks old, how does that look if the parents already need a night out? We went to dinner and really talked. It was, surprisingly, very refreshing.
Marriage is tricky and rewarding at the same time. You literally have to work at it every.single.day. I think sometimes we get lost in the busy schedules and emotions to remember that a simple hug or "how was your day?" goes a LONG way. I read something on facebook the other day that said: Build your spouse up so much that nothing in the world will ever be able to tear them down. I loved that. and that's what I'm striving for everyday.
