Let's be honest here..I.am.depressed. I'm still crying everynight..I'm surprised my husband hasn't gone crazy with my helpless-ness. In fact, he's been nothing but supportive. But, it is taking all my might to get out of bed in the morning and "stay strong" all day. I'm also trying to control my emotional eating, but it is harder than I thought it would be. I told Jordan the other night, "I don't think I'm ever going to pull out of this." I still can't see the light at the end of the tunnel, but I'm hopeful.
If you're new to my blog and are thinking, 'wow, this lady is crazy!' I posted here about suffering through my third miscarriage.
Afer I posted yesterday about the makeup I bought this weekend, I felt SO guilty. Why? I don't know. I felt materialistic. Father's Day was hard for me. I had bought Jordan a Father to-be card and I felt so sorry that I couldn't give it to him. I'm taking things personally that I see posted on Facebook. For instance a girl I went to High School posted: "Excited to share that I'm expecting my second child. Anyone know of any jobs hiring?!" I KNOW I shouldn't be judgemental..I'm so upset with myself that I'm thinking bad thoughts of someone else expecting, but these are just the emotions going through.
I also wanted to touch base on how my faith is going. I don't want to be judged, but I feel like my faith is GONE. When I start to pray in my head for strength, or to help me get out of these terrible thoughts out of my head, I can't help but getting mad at God. I'm like yelling and screaming for answers from Him. Can anyone help me with this? For my past miscarriages I just went along with what everyone said.."Everything happens for a reason; God has a plan for you." I believed it then..I DO NOT believe it now. I'm too bitter. That makes me so sad.
Another thing that makes me sad..I didn't hear from a single in-law family member after this loss. I mean, I didn't for my first 2, so why should I even expect it? But it's just sad that I don't mean enough to them to even get a text or a phone call to see how I'm doing.
Rant over. Thanks for listening.
If you're new to my blog and are thinking, 'wow, this lady is crazy!' I posted here about suffering through my third miscarriage.
Afer I posted yesterday about the makeup I bought this weekend, I felt SO guilty. Why? I don't know. I felt materialistic. Father's Day was hard for me. I had bought Jordan a Father to-be card and I felt so sorry that I couldn't give it to him. I'm taking things personally that I see posted on Facebook. For instance a girl I went to High School posted: "Excited to share that I'm expecting my second child. Anyone know of any jobs hiring?!" I KNOW I shouldn't be judgemental..I'm so upset with myself that I'm thinking bad thoughts of someone else expecting, but these are just the emotions going through.
I also wanted to touch base on how my faith is going. I don't want to be judged, but I feel like my faith is GONE. When I start to pray in my head for strength, or to help me get out of these terrible thoughts out of my head, I can't help but getting mad at God. I'm like yelling and screaming for answers from Him. Can anyone help me with this? For my past miscarriages I just went along with what everyone said.."Everything happens for a reason; God has a plan for you." I believed it then..I DO NOT believe it now. I'm too bitter. That makes me so sad.
Another thing that makes me sad..I didn't hear from a single in-law family member after this loss. I mean, I didn't for my first 2, so why should I even expect it? But it's just sad that I don't mean enough to them to even get a text or a phone call to see how I'm doing.
Rant over. Thanks for listening.
6 comments:
I'm not a religious person, or a mother, but I'm a nurse and after seeing loss and hurt in the world the only was I can keep my self going after seeing a family go through hard times is to think positively. I truly believe that your baby isn't ready yet, and as silly and corny that might sound I really believe that because I can't accept the fact that someone who wants to be a mother wouldn't be given that chance. It will happen keep faith in whatever you believe because the more you stress the harder it will be!!!!
you will be a mommy! stay positive.
-Lisa
:( I'm so sorry you're going through this. Hang in there.
xo
Allie,
I'm so sorry that you have to deal with this yet again. Never having been pregnant, I cannot fathom what emotional tole this must feel like. I'm not even sure that anything I say can comfort you or help you. I know we barely know each (ok, so we don't know each other period), but if you ever need someone to talk to, that doesn't have any bias, I'm here. Gym date soon!
Sending good vibes your way!!
Hi Allie! I'm a new reader to your blog. As a fat-bride (can't say I was, LOL), and someone who has had a miscarriage (at 14 weeks) and a chemical pregnancy, I can totally relate. I think that with my family and friends who haven't had a miscarriage before - they just don't know how to react. It really shocked me. I wanted to be sad and I wanted others to comfort me, be there for me, or at least acknowledge what happened. I was more hurt that some people just didn't say or do anything, and expected me to snap out of it right away. Sorry you had to go through this (three times!). Just trust that you will be a mommy someday, and don't give up. I know a lot of women who have had many miscarriages with 2, 3, 4 and 5 kids. :) Xoxo. Michelle
I blog over at http://prettylittlemommythings.blogspot.com/.
And I meant above that I was also a fat bride and still am - I can't say I used to be, haha. I just read it and it didn't come across as I intended. oops! And blogger is acting up so I can't comment under my google account. - Michelle
Hey I love you! I didn't know you were this sad about everything! No matter what you can talk to me!! Maybe if you and I talk to each other more then we both wont be so depressed
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