Happy Birthday..

18 years ago my baby sister Sidney was born..

I have to say the past 18 years of MY life have been the best since SHE'S been in it!

Let me tell you a little about Sidney..she is the sweetest, most kindest and talented young woman (weird to say!) around. I love being around her because she is so positive and happy. She almost always has a smile on her face.

YIKES!!

I have really enjoyed watching my sister grow up through the years. There are times when her maturity shines through, and there are also times where I remember she is still on the stepping stones on her life and getting where she needs to be. I remember when she decided to go away for college. I was scared for her..I wanted to put her under my wing and protect her from this big, bad world.

I know these next six weeks before she leaves for college is going to be bittersweet. I want to make the most of our time together, but I don't want to see her off. I know we will only be 2 hours away from eachother, but I've always felt like Sidney and I had a very close knit bond. I've always wanted to take care of her..and I feel like I am going to have to let that go a bit. I have faith in her though. I hope I've been a good enough role model for her.

My sisters are awesome.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, Pookie! I love you and I'm sooo proud of you!!

Bloggers...

Help!
I can't comment on any of my fave blogs?!?! When I go to comment, it posts me as anonymous even though I'm logged into my Google account?! Help! Thank you!

Our 2nd Anniversary trip+1st WW weigh in

Let's start off with my 1st time back at Weight Watchers weigh in..

-2.6lbs

Which is great and all, for the first week, but looking at that picture I see where I really need to work on..stomach, hips and upper arms! Wowee..yikes, those hips. I was self conscience in that dress all night :-/

I hope I didn't gain all that weight back, because we celebrated our 2nd wedding anniversary in Tulsa, OK this weekend.

We shared a rooftop dinner at the mexican restaurant El Guapo which was very romantic..

Had some girly drinks at The Cheesecake Factory (but hey, I ate off their lighten up menu :)

And spent the evening downtown at some cowboy bars :)
Overally, had a very nice weekend with my hubby. I will be paying for it all week in the gym though..starting tomorrow!
Have a great week.

What's in my lunch?

I'm back to packing my lunch everyday for work. I'm trying to get more creative everyday because I tend to get bored with my food..which leads me to craving milkshakes..and candy bars..and peach-o's..mmm I love peach-o's ;) All in moderation ;)

Here's my lunch today:

(sorry, I'm a terrible photographer)

1. strawberries 0p+

2. half of organic orange 0p+

3. peanut butter sandwich (breakfast) 5p+

4. Turkey Lean Pocket (lunch) 7p+

5. FiberOne brownie (lunch) 2p+

6. Special K strawberry granola (breakfast) 3p+

7. wheat & cheese crackers (snack) 5p+

8. Diet Dr.Pepper 0p+

9. roughly 80-100oz H2O a day

(I try to keep the food I bring to work under 25p+ because I get 34p+ daily)

What's in YOUR lunch??

Mark my words...

I WILL BE AT THE GYM TOMORROW!

{I'm tired of feeling/looking like crap}

Join me :)



Honestly..

Let's be honest here..I.am.depressed. I'm still crying everynight..I'm surprised my husband hasn't gone crazy with my helpless-ness. In fact, he's been nothing but supportive. But, it is taking all my might to get out of bed in the morning and "stay strong" all day. I'm also trying to control my emotional eating, but it is harder than I thought it would be. I told Jordan the other night, "I don't think I'm ever going to pull out of this." I still can't see the light at the end of the tunnel, but I'm hopeful.
If you're new to my blog and are thinking, 'wow, this lady is crazy!' I posted here about suffering through my third miscarriage.
Afer I posted yesterday about the makeup I bought this weekend, I felt SO guilty. Why? I don't know. I felt materialistic. Father's Day was hard for me. I had bought Jordan a Father to-be card and I felt so sorry that I couldn't give it to him. I'm taking things personally that I see posted on Facebook. For instance a girl I went to High School posted: "Excited to share that I'm expecting my second child. Anyone know of any jobs hiring?!" I KNOW I shouldn't be judgemental..I'm so upset with myself that I'm thinking bad thoughts of someone else expecting, but these are just the emotions going through.
I also wanted to touch base on how my faith is going. I don't want to be judged, but I feel like my faith is GONE. When I start to pray in my head for strength, or to help me get out of these terrible thoughts out of my head, I can't help but getting mad at God. I'm like yelling and screaming for answers from Him. Can anyone help me with this? For my past miscarriages I just went along with what everyone said.."Everything happens for a reason; God has a plan for you." I believed it then..I DO NOT believe it now. I'm too bitter. That makes me so sad.
Another thing that makes me sad..I didn't hear from a single in-law family member after this loss. I mean, I didn't for my first 2, so why should I even expect it? But it's just sad that I don't mean enough to them to even get a text or a phone call to see how I'm doing.
Rant over. Thanks for listening.

Sephora buys

So, if you know me you know that I go for cheap thrills when it comes to makeup. .99 cent Wet 'n Wild lipgloss anyone? I've been a fan of CoverGirl since I started wearing makeup in the 7th grade. Mostly because it's cheap and easy and on most days I just wear a nude eye shadow and mascara..because I just don't care these days! But that needs to change..I need to start caring about what I look like, how my hair looks, my clothing, and how I'm eating. I think it will just make me feel better daily.
The city I live in just got a Sephora about a month ago..slackers I tell you. Now that one has opened, 3 more in town are in the works to open. So I went on a little splurge this weekend. I've decided that I "deserve" it and it's my wedding anniversary gift :) Easy enough for Jordan. Here's what I got:

1. Sephora foundation. It's like a pressed powder?! and so soft and easy to apply.I'm so over liquid foundation.

2. High Beam.. PinkLouLou posted about it and when she said it would help to acheive Carrie Underwood's glowing cheeks, I was sold. It is like a dewey cheek highlighter. I'm lovin it so far, but it won't be an everyday wear.

3. Smashbox blush called Shimmer..I think? haha, I just dusted it over the High Beam stuff. Just call me Carrie :)

4. DiorShow Black Out mascara. PrettyInPink Megan did a review on it and basically swore by it so I decided to give it a shot. I like it, it is a little "goopier" than what I'm used to, but once I get it all on it's fine.

Overall, I'm happy with my purchases. Here's the final results:

Have a healthy week, everyone :)

What's next?

Let me tell you, going back to a "normal" routine is hard. Not looking at baby crib bedding on etsy is hard..not wanting to browse the baby section at Target is hard, or not reading baby product reviews on blogs is hard. But I'm not pregnant anymore and I don't have any babies so I have to let that stuff go for now. Jordan told me something the other night that really affected me and has helped with my positive outlook. He said: Someday, someway we will be parents. I have to believe that. I refuse to give up the dream of becoming a mother and raising a beautiful family. But that is not right now. And it isn't going to be in 7 months either.

So, what's next??

I've enrolled for the fall semester at Wichita State University. When I graduated High School in 2006 I didn't go straight into college because I really didn't have any direction in life. After getting married and seeing my husband's dedication to his college career it has really motivated me to want to do something with my life. I declared my major in Social Work. I don't care about the low salary; I care about working in a field where I actually feel like I'm making a difference in someone's life.

Jordan and I are back to Weight Watchers. I have gained seven pounds since I quit WW in March. I believe in the program and I believe in myself to lose the rest of this weight. My goal is to lose 10lbs by September 1st. Pretty attainable I think. Having Jordan do the program with me should be interesting as he was never really interested when I did it in 2010, but he is motivated to get healthier as well. I will be back to posting my Friday Weight Watcher Weigh In posts. I know you've missed those ;) so that's the plan!

Even on my weakest days, I get a little bit stronger.

What's goin on..

My mind is just constantly running rampant this past week.

Here's what's been goin on:

-Obvi, I miscarried on Saturday. I called into work on Monday because I was following up with my doctor.

-Tuesday morning I had a full blown panic attack while getting ready for work. Full on as in, can't hardly catch my breath, sobs, don't want to get out of bed and face the world. I made it though, and was actually very productive at work.

-Thursday I took off of work as well for another doctor's appointment. Oh, and we made this little {big to us} purchase:

2010 Chrysler Sebring

Anyway, I left my doctor's appointment very, very upset (which is such a long story I may have to leave it to an entire entry)

Which leads me to today..TGIF right? kinda. I can't swim, I'm still bleeding heavily (sorry if tmi) and am in pain. Plus, I'm still pretty much mad at the world. And I've been eating to make up for my anger. But that will change because..

Here I come again..5th time..don't judge.

Oh, and I wanted to add one last thing since it has been on my mind so much this past week:

How very much I love him.

Have a great weekend everyone.

Loss..definite.

I posted Wednesday that I thought I was in the process of having a miscarriage. Although my Dr. was trying to be as positive as she could at my Thursday's appointment, I wasn't quite convinced a pregnant woman could be bleeding that much and still have a healthy pregnancy. I was expecting the worst and hoping for the best I guess you could say.

Even though I pretty much knew it was going to end badly that didn't help how I felt as I did end us miscarrying Saturday night. Gut wrenching is probably the best adjective. Saturday night I had began to bleed more and more. My pain level was probably at a 9. Jordan and I ended up going to the ER at the hospital he works at. When the sono lady said that she was sorry there wasn't a heartbeat, I just covered my mouth with both my hands so that I wouldn't let out any horrific cries to scare the other patients. Let's just say it was a bad night. This makes for loss #3 and the hardest..physically and emotionally yet.

I've had a few days to recover. Thankfully I don't need a D&C procedure. But returning to "normal" life is bittersweet. I am missing going to the gym though, so I will be back working on my fitness ASAP. I am going going back to Weight Watchers starting next Friday. I'm not going to rush anything though because my body..and mind.. is still healing. I'm going to meet with the pastor who married us for some grief counseling. Driving home from the hospital Saturday night I was screaming some things to God that I'm not proud of.

Anyway, thank you for all the kind emails and facebook messages. I really do appreciate them. I plan on getting back in the swing of things here within the next week or so.
~Allie

Loss..maybe.

I thought I'd update real quickly to reflect on today. So for the past 2 days my back has been throbbing, especially in the mornings. By the evenings I could just kick back on the couch and I'd feel okay. This morning my back was hurting again so I thought maybe I needed to go to the bathroom (sorry if tmi) so I went and saw that I was bleeding. The next part is a blur. I don't remember going to get my purse at my desk or telling my manager I was leaving, but apparently I did.
I called Jordan and he immediately left class and met me at Via Christi St. Francis. Luckily they were not busy and I was taken back right to be seen in the ER. The ER doctor acted REALLY suprised that I knew my last beta count, that I had already been seen twice already by my OB, etc. I explained to him my previous 2 miscarriages and he shut up and quit talking to me like I was some unwed woman that had 5 other kids at home (no offense to anyone). They did a pelvic exam and he said it was "unremarkable" that there was some blood, but the cervix looked closed and whatnot. They drew some labwork and took me for a sono. The sono did show our baby's heartbeat at 122bpm but was only measuring at 6weeks2days when apparently I thought I turned 8 weeks on Tuesday. Our sono last week (june 2nd) showed 6weeks3days so obviously no progress in one week, but we were hopeful since we saw the heartbeat. The ultrasound lady was even like "your baby's fine! Look at that heartbeat!" um ok.
So I went back to the room and the dr told me the results of my beta were 3654..my last count on May 26th was 3281. The didn't do an hcg quant at my June 2nd appt because by seeing a heartbeat on the sono they thought that was good enought. So obviously another sign of no progression. Great. My dad said "So this doesn't look like there's going to be a happy ending." The Dr. said "I wouldn't bet money on it." Nice.
So I have an appt with my OB tomorrow at 11:20am for more labwork and a sono to see what's going on. I will update tomorrow.

My decision

When Jordan and I decided to start trying for a family, I never really thought I'd have to explain my decision. I mean, I really don't have to, but I will because if my thought process can help someone else then good! Everyone's situation is different, but this is how I (we) decided.

When I came to the conclusion that I reallllly needed a life style change (January 2010) it wasn't all about weight loss. Sure, I knew it started there, but there were other things I felt like needed changed too. For instance, paying down debt, getting my husband finished (or close) to graduating, becoming happier in my workplace, getting more organized..the list goes on and on. I literally felt like a mess at that time in my life. I had just gotten married, I weighed 240lbs, I could barely fit comfortably into any of my clothes, I had just had 2 miscarriages, we were eating takeout almost every night and our credit card balances and outside debt were high.  So yea, life=mess.

Throughout the year, I was an active participant in Weight Watchers, working out 4-5 times a week, getting strict on a budget and paying off debt and building a savings account. I was supporting my husband through college and just becoming overall a happier person. I ended up losing 52lbs on Weight Watchers. Now, I'm not in a "normal" bmi and I'm not a size 4, but guess what? I wasn't a size 4 in High School either :)

Anyways- onto my decision to get pregnant. We looked at a few different things:

• Jordan applying to medical school- after emailing some bloggers and Jordan talking to some of his doctor colleagues we decided now is probably the best time. It isn't going to be easy while he's in medical school, but it wouldn't be easy when he's in residency or as a practicing physician either.
• Debt and savings- This is something we've really worked hard on in the past year. We went by (some of) the Dave Ramsey methods..example: paying smallest debts first. My biggest goal was to have NO outside debt..like credit cards, medical bills, etc. I look at a car payment and student loans differently..even though they are still "debts." Does that make sense? lol
• Health- This, of course, was one of the main factors because we agreed that if we had another miscarriage we would wait awhile to try to conceive again. In the year my thyroid leveled out, I was "cured" of my acid reflux and of course by losing some weight I just felt healthier all around.
• Judgement- We were worried about what people would say/think.. "what about Jordan's medical school?!" "What if you have another miscarriage?!" "Can you afford it?" you know..all of those questions from those around us. Thankfully, I haven't felt much judgement..more positive support than anything.

In conclusion, we decided we wanted to try again to start a family..stat! It started to consume my thoughts..I was starting to take prenatals, googling nursery ideas, youtubing videos, etc etc. I was still working out and still eating right, but I wasn't losing any weight. I honestly think my weight loss plateaud because my body was ready to get pregnant. That may be all in my head, but that's my story and I'm stickin to it :) Sorry this was the longest blog post of the century, but I just wanted to map this all out. Please feel free to email me if there's any additional questions, but please no hate mail :)

Quick update

My bebe has a heartbeat :)

It was seriously amazing, and the tears were flowing!

Last night before the sono I was feeling incredibly anxious. I woke up at 1am, 3am and 6am just waiting for the appointment time to come (10am). My prayers were answered today and I just have an overwhelming feeling of hope and love! Oh, and heartburn :)

***

Tomorrow I am going to post something pretty personal to me about why I decided to get pregnant before hitting my goal weight. I've gotten a few emails regarding my choice. I feel that I can share because some of you may be in my same situation and felt the way I did.

Goodnight!

Every Week a Milestone!

I remember when I was doing Weight Watchers I looked at every week as a new milestone. It was an accomplishment that I was still on track for another week; a new week a step closer to a healthier ME. When one week didn't go exactly according to plan, I had a new week awaiting me.

I'm feeling the same way in my pregnancy. Every single week is a milestone to me; a week closer to a healthy pregnancy and baby. Even in the moments that I have killer headache, no appetite and mood swings I am thankful for the week that my pregnancy is progressing.

Just a little update, apparently I was off in my weeks/when I conceived and whatnot. I'm going into my 7th week of pregnancy, not 8th like I originally thought. That is why my hcg looked a little on the lower side. I have another sono tomorrow morning so crossing my fingers and praying for a good strong heartbeat! I will update tomorrow!